


Fine

by Starofwinter



Category: Star Wars Legends: Republic Commando Series - Karen Traviss
Genre: Gen, Munin Skirata never should have raised a child, Past Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, surprise kal your dad was an abusive asshole
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-23
Updated: 2017-07-23
Packaged: 2018-12-05 18:38:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11583822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starofwinter/pseuds/Starofwinter
Summary: Kal is fine, everything is fine, Munin was a great father.  Right?  Maybe not.





	Fine

It’s on nights like these that Kal eyes the bottle of  _ tihaar _ , aching for just a little more to shut it all out.  He allows himself one glass before bed, and that’s all.  He won’t allow himself to fall into that trap.  He’s got enough vices without adding that one.   

No matter how much he wants to, after a day of hearing Vau shouting abuse at his squad, and having it ringing in his ears for hours after; only it isn’t Vau’s voice he’s hearing, it’s Munin’s.  

Munin was a good father - he was.  He  _ was _ .  Wasn’t he?  He’d rescued Kal, given him a home and a family, and a name.  He trained him into the soldier he needed to be.  Trained every bit of weakness out of him.  Every harsh word had been what Kal needed to hear to push him that little bit further.  

So why does he hear Munin in Vau’s cruel words?  He doesn’t like thinking about that question, or about why a small, deeply-buried part of himself hates Munin still.  Why is it so easy for him to see Vau’s treatment of the boys in his command as abuse, and Munin’s as training?  Was it better, or worse, that Munin always turned around to comfort him after, shushing him and wiping his tears?  The hot and cold, the anger and and kindness… that’d fucked him up for a long damned time.  

He never wanted to do that to his own kids - hells, he’d left over and over when they were little so he  _ couldn’t _ fuck them up the way Munin had him, and maybe they hate him for that, but it was better than the alternative, wasn’t it?  He hadn’t even really wanted to have kids, he didn’t want to pass down the fucked up legacy he’d inherited, but it was  _ expected _ , and he’d been younger and even more of a  _ shabla _ idiot, thinking maybe it would help the cracks already forming in his and Illipi’s marriage.  Maybe it was better that she’d left and taken them with her,  _ Manda _ knows he wouldn’t have done right by them.  He wonders every day if he did right by the Nulls.  He did his best, he tells himself, while another voice in his head says that his best isn’t good enough.

Maybe it’s his fault for never dealing with it, but he’d never known where to  _ start _ , so he just packed it all up in neat little boxes and forced himself to forget all the pain.  It’s easier to block it all out, block out every way Munin had made him feel so fucking  _ worthless _ , and pretend he’s fine.  He has to be fine.  He  _ is _ fine.  Isn’t he?

Kal realizes he’s shaking when he reaches for the glass of booze and nearly knocks it over.  His breath hitches, and he clenches his jaw, forcing down the quickly rising panic as his thoughts spiral out of control.  That won’t help anything, and neither will realizing that his father was an abusive piece of shit.  Not this many years later.  Viciously, he shuts down that line of thought, puts the booze away, and makes his way to his bunk.  

The single glass of  _ tihaar _ at least lets him go to sleep, even if it doesn’t stop the shouts of  _ worthless _ and  _ pathetic  _ rattling in his skull and haunting his nightmares.

**Author's Note:**

> I admit, I had to stop reading Order 66 after the chapter with Munin, because his behavior reminded me far too much of my own childhood.


End file.
